This year Macsen would have been 4 on the 23rd. It is weird to think it has been four years. A lot has happened since then, and looking back through my blog posts I have never shared our story about Macsen yet. I started my blog the following summer. So here is our experience.
Macsen Scot Schwartz
When Jared and I found out we were pregnant we were excited and nervous. It seem so surreal. The time as a whole went by so fast as well. All of our checkups were so normal, in fact textbook. I was gaining the exact amount, measuring the right size, and was feeling pretty good. Hearing the heart beat was amazing! It made things more real and we couldn’t wait to find out the gender at our 20 week ultrasound (which was our first).
Jared was able to come to all of my checkups. The night before our ultrasound Jared was able to feel our baby move. Feeling these movements, hearing the heartbeat, and ultrasounds are my favorite. The next day at the ultrasound, it was so fun to see Jared’s excitement. How amazing is it that we can grow a perfect little being inside of us! Everything was looking great. And when it came time to see the gender, it was super obvious it was a little, proud, boy! Jared thought so before the tech confirmed it. He had the biggest smile on his face! What a proud dad! After the ultrasound we had a routine checkup. My dr. was busy with a delivery so they had me come back in a few hrs. We both thought nothing of it and went to see Jared’s brother Jacob (who was living in Pocky). When they called me back to come we decided that Jared would stay and talk to Jacob because it wouldn’t be long. Man was I naïve. At the dr. visit Dr. Cox told me that Macsen had cysts in his brain. He said most likely this is from trisomy 18, a chromosome problem and usually the baby dies before birth or soon after. He said that there are signs that the radiologist will review our ultrasound and report if he sees other signs of birth defects. Usually there are other things. One simple thing he said is the baby usually has less toes, fingers, always has a clenched fists, cleft pallet and of course there are more. I composed myself as best as I could, I don’t like to cry in front of people. After the visit I went to the car and bawled. I was shaking and so upset. I looked over the perfect little pictures we had of him and could clearly see his one sweet little hand open like he was going to give me a high five. I called Jared and let him know I was coming to get him and that we needed to go home, so to meet me outside. I couldn’t face anyone. So Jared and Jacob were waiting outside, I said bye and knew Jacob could tell something was wrong. Down the road I told Jared and we switched spots. He tried to comfort me but I was making myself mad wanting to know what the radiologist might have found. Our appointment was on a Friday so all weekend I stewed, wondered, and worried the entire time. Monday I called and talked to the nurse Caroline. She let me know that they didn’t get anything from radiology but also let me know that many babies have cysts at that point in pregnancy and a lot of times they disappear. This gave me a lot of comfort. We never got a call with other results either which is another good sign. So we were back to the routine checkups.
The more my belly grew the more realistic it became. Jared and I looked up online a lot trying to find names we liked. He had a mission companion with the name of Macklin. I really liked it for a boy or girl. He refused so we looked for names similar and came across Macsen. It is Latin, or Welsh origin and is a form of Maximus. It means “the Greatest”, and we knew that was his name. We shared it with NO ONE! Neither of us have ever heard of it and we loved it. I knew a lot of people having boys and did not want anyone to use it!
We were soon approaching our due date. Sunday the 14th, we were out in Arco and I remember Macsen pushing my belly with his heal, elbow, or knee. I sure loved feeling him move. Him reminding me he was there. It was always a sweet moment when you can feel your baby having a party in your belly. Macsen moved a ton, many times it made me laugh out loud!
The 22nd, a Monday we went to our 37 week checkup. Ann another great nurse I really liked was trying to get the heartbeat. She couldn’t and always could, I should have known right then, so we went over for an ultrasound. The tech took some measurements and confirmed that there was no heartbeat. Macsen had passed away. Jared and I were in shock to say the least. They had us go sit in Dr. Cox’s office to wait for him to discuss what was next. Jared and I both were sitting there in a daze. We were in this fog, like a dream sequence. Actually a nightmare that you can’t wake from because it was reality. It didn’t seem real, but was the ugliest truth I have ever heard! We waited for a while. Finally they had another dr. come talk to us about what we could do because Dr. C was in delivery. She told us we could come back and get induced that night or we could wait for the morning. We both knew neither of us would be able to sleep, so we came back that night. At the end of the visit I cracked! I started crying and couldn’t stop! Jared was trying to be strong for me! He asked me if I would like a blessing, and so called Jacob at work. He told Jacob what was going on. Jacob showed up in no time. Turns out he ran out of work to come give me a blessing! I don’t know if Jacob will ever know how much I appreciated this! We all were crying! Even though this moment was filled with heart ache, it was so beautiful at the same time! There was so much comfort and peace that filled my entire being. After we left Jacob’s we went home. We called our parents on the way. Randomly I remembered I had visiting teaching to do the next day, so I called my companion Colette Stimpson and luckily got her voice mail. I let her know I wasn’t able to go and left it at that. We packed up in a hurry. Of course with all of this hustling Jared broke a glass candle and cut his hand pretty good. There was a lot of blood. Of course, all I could think of was taking care of him, and if he needed stiches we were going to the hospital. We headed back as soon as we could. It was starting to snow and was supposed to be a horrible storm.
The Hospital was long! It took 22 hours to finally have Macsen. He was born November 23, 2010 at 5:34 pm. He was 5lb 10oz and 19 1/4in long. The umbilical cord was around his neck so tight. We are sure this was the case of death. Jared and I were the only ones in the room for labor. It was nice to be just us. Macsen was perfect. He had the biggest dimple chin. After we had Macsen there were two wonderful ladies from the NILMDTS organization, who came and took pictures of Macsen. Another local woman came and did a hand and foot cast for us. They were angels, and we cherish these items! We had Dayle (my dad) give Macsen a name and a blessing while still in the hospital, because he felt we should bless him. Jared and I felt no need, seeing he was perfect and nothing we could add in a blessing changed that. So we had Dayle do it for more of my family’s comfort. My family (Mom, Dad, and Collette) refused to go to a hotel, so they slept in the waiting room until we had Macsen. Kate (our sister-in-law) was going to get them a deal on a hotel room. She got a room for Terry and Cindy who also wanted to be close by for support. Keith and Natalie came twice to visit us. Jacob and Jeremy came and visited us there as well. The love we felt from all our family, present and in thought was amazing!
Leaving the hospital we were able to drive Macsen to the funeral home ourselves. I held him in my arms, while Jared was driving on the horrible slick, snow covered roads. It was nice to have as much time with him as possible. We also were able to go see him as often as we wanted in the funeral home. When we first came home from the hospital Lily (the best Great Dane ever) wouldn’t even look at us. She was heartbroken too. She spent the whole night in the corner chewing on her bear pillow. She knew what was missing! I am sure she felt our stress from that Monday we came home and packed. Wondering and worrying where we were for a few days. After that first night home she would herd us around the house. If one of us went in the other room she would pace back and forth until we were back in the same room. Such a great dog!!
For Macsen’s funeral we only had immediate family there. It was nice to keep it more private. Our loved ones were able to hold him before the services. Jared gave him to me very last. They asked us to come lay Macsen in the coffin and say our final goodbye. Laying Macsen down, part of my heart physically ached. I had a pain in my heart that was brief but I will never forget.
At the grave site we had Terry (Jared’s dad) dedicate the grave. After all of it Jared and I sat there with each other for a while. It was a calm, warm, day and it was nice to sit there for a moment and let it all sink in. That week went so fast. It was a blur full of crazy emotion and stress. Our son is precious to us. We love him and always will. We can’t wait for the day to be a forever family.
A few weeks after all this, I was at a friend’s home talking to her and her daughters. She asked if I remembered what I told the beehive class the Sunday before we found out about Macsen (I was in the young womens). Her daughter (one of my beehives) had told her what I said. She then told me how I bore my testimony saying that, “I know we are a forever family. That if anything was to happen to Macsen or any of us I knew that we have the gospel, and with the sealing covenants Jared and I have made we can be together forever.” She said maybe this was the spirit preparing me for what was to come. I feel like it probably was to prepare me and my young women. All of the girls in my beehive class would argue over who would babysit for me. They all just cried when they found out. They had planned a baby shower for me that following week. I did remember going home and telling Jared what I had said, but forgot about it over the next few weeks. I do feel like the spirit warns and prepares us for what is to come in all different ways. I also know that we can be guided and can overcome all of our trials through Jesus Christ our Savior. I am very grateful for all of my experiences in life. They have made me who I am today and I am so grateful for the comforter. We were so comforted through this time in our lives. We know that Macsen is perfect and is in the most amazing place. Jared always says we are perfect parents. That we have this unspoken club that membership is unwanted, but we have great bragging rights. We technically are still perfect parents until our other two turn 8, then we will hope and pray for the best! Needless to say we are very lucky parents. We love each other and our children.
No comments:
Post a Comment